Let's talk about beauty (03/10/20)

Let's talk about beauty.

I will make an honest effort to keep this to a short novel because, honestly, I have so many thoughts on this subject, I don't know where to begin.

When I say beauty, I also kind of mean attractiveness in general, but since a lot of this post will be about women, I'll keep it as my opener.

Needless to say, there is a lot of emphasis on physical attraction. Like, just, a lot. Pick up any magazine and you'll see models with perfect skin, teeth, and hair, promoting something that will make you look fabulous. Pick up any other magazine, and there's an article about how Photoshop is ruining men's perception of women... along with models with perfect skin, teeth, and hair, promoting something that will make you look fabulous.

Those articles aren't wrong, but Photoshop is not the problem. The problem (or one of the problems because, complexity) is that men (and women) are being raised with a very superficial perception of what beauty is. I hear guys say all the time, "man, I wish I had a girl like that", or, "how could that guy break up with HER?" And yes, I have similar thoughts, but as I get older, my inner dialog has shifted from, "I wish I could date her" to "Wow. She's beautiful. I wonder what she's like".

Magazines not using Photoshop is valid. I applaud models that refuse to be Photoshopped, but the answer to this issue is not trying to force men to become attracted to something different. As long as Photoshop increases sales, people will keep on supplying. It's eye candy. Most people know it's not real, but it's more fun to look at. I would even venture to guess that if Photoshop was outlawed, we would see an increase in CGI models. It's art, and art isn't supposed to look like reality.

With that art though needs to come an understanding and a management of expectations from both men and women. My dudes, you will never have a girl that looks like that because she doesn't exist, and ladies, you will never look like that, because no one does. The expectation to meet a standard is what is causing so much damage, and that changes in the mind and the home, not the elimination of a computer program.

What I would love to see happen is a shift in priorities, not away from physical beauty, but expanded to include character traits. Instead of just looking at a body, let's start seeing a human being. It changes the conversation from how a person looks, to who a person is.

When I was 18, I remember seeing this girl I had a crush on right around when the Oscars were on TV. She had just woken up, no makeup, with bed hair, and I remember thinking she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I was attracted to her face, her smile, her personality, her sense of humor, her mind, her intellect, all of it. No one on the red carpet held a candle to her, because I knew her.

Now, I've never dated. Never had a girlfriend. Never had sex. I can't speak from experience, but I can speak from the lack thereof. After 22 years since hitting puberty, one might think that I would get more and more desperate to find a girlfriend, but it's actually just the opposite. The older I get, the more specific I have become with what I am looking for in a life partner. Is physical attraction high up there? Absolutely! Ask any marriage therapist if physical attraction is important in a successful marriage. But a very close second on my list of priorities has nothing to do with appearance. Is she kind? Is she considerate? Is she trying to become a better person? These are the traits I am looking for.

Having said that, and also changing the conversation, I'm not exactly turning women away. I have, in fact, come to a very simple conclusion. I'm not attractive. I don't say this in a derogatory way at all. I don't think I'm ugly. I just have many, many years of experience indicating that most women aren't attracted to me. It may not be my appearance. It may be a vibe I give off. I have no idea because people usually don't tell me these things, and I've grown to be ok with it. Why? Because it only takes one. I only need one woman on God's green earth to find me attractive, and that's the woman I marry. I honestly don't care if women find me attractive, and it's incredibly freeing. It's a mindset that I really wish I could pass on. Who cares what you look like? Who are you as a person? I feel really really sorry for the people who only hang out with people they want to have sex with. Your true friends don't like you because of how you look. Why do you care if you're beautiful or not? You only need one person to find you attractive. Everyone else can suck it.

Look, if you're insecure about how you look, I'm not going to tell you that you're beautiful. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. I am going to tell you that confidence is sexy, and the only way to be confident is to come to terms with who you are, and then start focusing on how you make people feel. It isn't a matter of not caring what people think, it's a matter of making them feel loved. As soon as you start focusing on loving others instead of being accepted, you start to realize how vapid the quest for beauty really is. You can't earn people's approval, but you can sure as hell make them respect and appreciate you. Putting your focus on other people is the single fastest way to stop worrying about yourself, and when you do that, you can start exploring this crazy concept called enjoying your life.

In conclusion, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. If you're not happy because you're not "beautiful", please explore why that is and see what journey you find yourself on. Just remember that the goal is finding peace and happiness, and sometimes that means just accepting yourself for who you are.

Deuces.