The Joy of Being Single

If someone needed advise on relationships, I would not be the right person to talk to. I am 28 years old, I have never had a girlfriend, and have never had sex. I get nervous when I’m around pretty girls, and always feel like I’m somehow intruding when I do muster up the courage to approach someone. I am not an expert.

What I do have some experience with is being single. When I was 18 I decided that I would wait to date anyone until I was 22. I was committed to being single for 4 years. I had this great plan to start dating at 22, be engaged by 24, and get married at 25. By then, I figured, I’d be mature enough to be married. Relationships, it would seem, don’t respond well to mathematics. At the time I made my “commitment”, I was in a theater group, traveling all over the country. By the time I was 19, I was head-over-heals in love with a girl, and willing to make some pretty serious life changes to be with her. My agony and salvation was that she was not interested in me.

Fortunately, I was fairly used to rejection by then. My first real crush came when I was about 9 years old, living in Guatemala. We were staying at a Korean Church that had set up shop on the property where my grandparents used to serve. There was a cute Korean girl that I fell for and I would follow her around, trying not to be obvious, which I failed miserably at. She was very clearly not interested and I was too young to get the hint. My second crush didn’t come along until I was 14, living in South Carolina. She was a year older than me, and way out of my league, which I was also too young to realize. By then, I had at least learned some discretion, and made sure that no one found out. I was also keenly aware that I was too young to be dating anyone. You see, being raised by my mother, it had always been instilled in me that the traditional practice of dating just for the sake of having a girlfriend was rather pointless and only served to provoke emotions and temptations that should wait until one is actually ready to get married. At 14, I knew I was not ready to get married.

Over the years, I have had several crushes, but I have always approached them with a mentality that my feelings were wrong and immature. As a result, it took me a long time before I ever told a girl that I had feelings for her, and when I did, it was always in the context of an apology.

My last crush came while I was living in Peru. I started attending an English-speaking church, and immediately noticed a very pretty girl. I liked her for over two years, but never attempted to go beyond friendship. I am very happy to say that friendship is something I’ve shared with most of my crushes, and I have no regrets.

This brings us to what I consider to be an interesting phenomenon. I have now been living in Los Angeles for 4 years and in all that time have never met a girl I was interested in pursuing. Oh, I’ve met plenty of very beautiful women in this city. I’ve also met some women with amazing character. It would seem though that finding both in the same person is a bit of a challenge. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that LA is full of shallow people. Quite the contrary. What I am saying is that, over the years, I have developed very specific criteria for what I am looking for in a future spouse, and those are hard to come by. I have met a few, and they are married, which very quickly puts them on my “do not bother” list.

Some friends that I have talked to have suggested that I start casually dating. I revert back to the original issue. I haven’t met anyone that I’m interested in dating, and I don’t feel the need to ask someone out that I’m not attracted to. So, I have settled into a state of waiting. One could argue that I’ve been waiting my whole life now, but there is a big difference between holding back while wishing, and truly waiting. The former is white-knuckle endurance, while waiting involves action.

The first thing I had to realize was that I need to be content as a single man before I will be content as a married man. Being in a relationship will not make me whole, especially if it’s with the wrong person. The void I felt could only be filled by God. My response to that was to start turning to God to fill my loneliness. Sure, there were many times when I asked Him to give me a girlfriend, but His response was always “wait”. I need to be whole before I can be united.

The second thing I realized was that I need to become the kind of person that my ideal spouse will be attracted to. Part of my criteria for what I look for has become what kind of man she is looking for. Now I have to become that man. It is tragic how many women grow up with abusive fathers and then get into abusive relationships because they don’t think they deserve better.

And finally, I realized that I should enjoy this time being single. So many people rush into marriage and then start thinking of all the things they miss about being single. Obviously, I don’t mean sleeping around. I mean having the freedom to be spontaneous without having to let someone know where you are all the time; the freedom to room with guy friends and have male bonding; the freedom to spend your own money. All these are liberties that should be gladly given up when the time is right, but also thoroughly enjoyed.

God meant it when He said, “it is not good for man to be alone”. He meant it when He said, “be fruitful and multiply.” He also meant it when he said, “there is a time for everything”. So, for me personally, I’m tired of looking. I’m ready to wait on God, work on what needs fixing, and enjoy life. I believe God has someone he is preparing for me, and when the time is right, I will meet her.